I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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