so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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