I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
