everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
