Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
