Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
