There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
