If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Boobs are out for the taking
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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