dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
