I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize