Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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