Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
