You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
