i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
