Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She's the barista slut.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
