I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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