She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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