the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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