The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
