At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
