Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
