Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
