So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
