I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
