Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
