Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
