i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Everclear isn't food dammit
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
