I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
They took my balls.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
