ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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