My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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