Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
