Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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