I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
