dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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