Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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