You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
