There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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