i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
