I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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