Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
