Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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