i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
