I wish I could teleport
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
