Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
