just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
