just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I want to fling myself into the sun
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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