Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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