So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
