On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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