I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
