I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
