there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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