haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
