Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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