im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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